


Ashes To Ashes

by Sashataakheru



Series: Lord Greg and His Boys AU [7]
Category: Taskmaster (UK TV) RPF
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Comfort Food, Confessions, Cuddles, D/s, Daddy/boi, Flashbacks, Getting over a Relationship, Grifting, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, James Not Dealing With Emotions, M/M, Random Encounters, Up All Night, Whipping, break-ups, weighted blankets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 07:43:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18339209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: James has been with Greg for three years now, and he's opened up to him a lot about his past. But there's one man he hasn't told him about, and he's not sure he ever will, because it might threaten to tear a hole in his chest, a very Ed-shaped hole that James is not ready to deal with. But you can only run from your past for so long before it literally crashes into you, and James has to confront all that pain at last. He does not take it well. At all.





	Ashes To Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> Would you like 15k words of James Not Dealing With His Emotions? Then you are in for a treat, my friends. :D

James walked. He walked, staring aimlessly at the ground, hands deep in his pockets. It was, perhaps, 11pm, maybe later. James wasn't really keeping a note on the time, nor how long he'd been walking for. Maybe a couple of hours now. He just needed to walk. He had his iPod on shuffle, not really sure what mood he was in, but perhaps it was just that he needed something to shut out the rest of the world while he was thinking.  
  
There wasn't anything in particular he needed to think about tonight. He just needed a break from the house. To be on his own, outside, in the cool night air, alone, just to breathe. It's not like it was quiet out here though. It was London on a Thursday night. It was still weirdly busy. If he'd wanted quiet solitude, he wouldn't be walking the streets. But then James always felt he did his best thinking when he was walking.  
  
It had been three years now since he'd come to live with Greg and Alex. Three whole long years. In many ways, he felt he'd changed a lot, and the abrasive defensiveness he'd brought with him had kind of worn off after the first nine months or so. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was that he'd still never really opened up about one very significant aspect of his past and he wasn't sure if he ever would. That way lay pain he wasn't sure he'd ever be ready to face.  
  
That way-  
  
That way lay Ed.  
  
Ed. James had consciously shut him out of his mind for so many years. Not because he hated him, but because he loved him. But maybe he was dead now. Dead, or in jail, or with some other cute boy who he'd charmed into his life of crime.  
  
James scowled bitterly at the footpath as if it had somehow mentioned Ed to him in the first place and he trampled extra hard as if he needed to pay them back for bring back all those memories he didn't want to remember.  
  
He turned his music up louder, just as another fuck you to the world, and then - and then he walked right into someone and fell back onto the footpath, shocked and a little dazed. That was before he looked up and saw who it was as he pulled his earphones out to apologise. There, standing before him grinning at him, was the last person in the world that he wanted to see: Ed.  
  
"Hey there, little guy. How's my precious baby boy?" Ed said.  
  
James froze. Inside, he was panicking. He couldn't take his eyes off him as he scrambled to his feet, unsure what on earth he wanted to say to him. Too many things, perhaps, and none of them at the same time.  
  
"Ed? But - why - I-" James had no idea whether to run to him or yell at him.  
  
"I know, I was away too long, I should've tried to tell you something, but I lost track of you, I'm so sorry," Ed said.  
  
James wanted to yell at him. Wanted to run and kiss him. Suddenly couldn't deal with any of the memories and emotions flooding his brain and his flight instincts kicked in. He was _not_ ready to deal with this. At all. He raised a hand to him, as if trying to keep him back.  
  
"You - I - no. I can't, I-"  
  
He ran a hand through his hair, made a face that signalled just how much he was Freaking Out, and then turned and fled. From Ed, from the memories, and the pain that was now returning with a passion.  
  


* * *

  
Eight years earlier...  
"Hey, what're you drinking?"  
  
James looked up to see a man standing before him with the most charming fucking smile on his pretty fucking face. James hated guys like that. Fit, athletic, handsome, knew how to speak properly, always got all the girls they wanted without even trying. James never got girls, but then, he didn't want them anyway, which just made the taunts of 'faggot!' hurt even more. He returned to staring at the table and his empty glass, aware that nothing good would come from this.  
  
"Er, why are you still standing there like a moron? Go away," James said, just wanting to be left alone.  
  
The man, infuriatingly, didn't listen, and sat down in the chair opposite. But not in a normal way. Sitting on it backwards, that's what the fucker did. James scowled at him. Fuck that guy.  
  
"Go on, what're you drinking?" The man took his glass, sniffed it, set it down again. "Ah, whisky! Of course. It suits your sad little face. Lemme get you another one. You look like you need it."  
  
James said nothing. Didn't say anything. Thought about running away, because what were the chances he was going to be kind to him? Maybe-maybe he's going to like, roofie him and he'll end up unconscious in a bin somewhere with his trousers around his ankles. Fuck that guy. But James didn't leave. He waited. Grudgingly acknowledged the whisky the man had got him, scowled, tried to look as tough as possible to make him go away.  
  
The man sat back and just looked at him as he drank. "You know what? I'm not going to leave until you speak to me."  
  
Well, that made his decision easy. James wouldn't speak. He sat back himself, staring at him, hoping someone - _anyone_ \- would see what was going on and rescue him. Pity was he had no friends in this pub. He'd just got here. Maybe the man knew that. He was alone.  
  
"The name's Ed, by the way. I haven’t seen you around here before. How long've you been in town then?" Ed said.  
  
James kept giving him the silent treatment, staring down all of his attempts at small-talk until Ed decided to give up. James wasn't going to give him anything.  
  
"Alright, fine, you're clearly not in a mood to talk. I'll go find someone who's more of a laugh than you," Ed said.  
  
James stared at him until he was out of sight. Then he had another whisky, because like hell he was drinking the one Ed bought him because that was clearly not a good idea. Then he sat there, cursing Ed into the bottom of his glass as he watched him flirt with some girls and walk out of the pub with them.  
  
"Fuck that guy."  
  


* * *

  
James ran all night. He didn't want Ed to know where he was living, so he went the other way, just in case he was being followed. He knew Ed too well. He knew what he was capable of. He found a 24-hour McDonald's to hide in, and he stayed there eating salads until sunrise, when he felt he might be safe to leave.  
  
It was a shitty place to hide, James knew that very well. The guilt alone, of being in McDonald's at all, didn't help, but it's not like there were many other all-night options available that he could hide in, and at least it had food.  
  
He picked a spot in the very back of the restaurant, out of sight of the entrance, but where he was still able to see who was coming in, just in case he had to flee. It was late, and while there wasn't a huge crowd, James was surprised at the steady flow of people looking for late-night sustenance. He wished he could just laugh with his friends and maybe have a few drinks and just while the night away. But he was stuck hiding in a shitty restaurant with shitty memories he didn't want to think about.  
  
At about 3am, he might have relented and bought a burger, because he was already feeling so shit he didn't think one more sin would matter. But he couldn't enjoy it at all. He didn't think he deserved to enjoy anything. It's not like he was an innocent party.  
  
But then, he had been, until Ed turned up in his life.  
  


* * *

  
Eight years earlier...  
Ed was persistent, and James was easy, much to his annoyance. It didn't take Ed very long to charm him into his bed, and once he was there, James wasn't sure he wanted to leave. He hadn’t been looking for this, but somehow, he’d found it, and this was just his life now. It's not like he didn't need a job, to be fair, but to take the first job he was offered by a stranger he’d hated on first sight did seem a bit desperate.  
  
But then, Ed had a very swanky apartment in town, and he made promises James could have that too, if he wanted it. That was the kind of money Ed was bringing in. James was envious, and eager, and the fact that Ed took care of him and protected him was enough. James hadn't felt safe like that for a long time, and he ended up moving in with Ed and taking care of his apartment when he had to go out. He had all the ice cream and TV he could ever want, and he didn't even have to do anything except sometimes accept parcels, or do some tidying, or maybe run some clothes down to the dry cleaners on the corner or get some groceries. If that was all Ed wanted from him in return for living with him, James was perfectly fine with that, given how much money Ed had already given him.  
  
And, in spite of his initial impressions, James had come to really like Ed a lot. He tried so hard to make him laugh, because when Ed laughed, that made James very happy. He liked making him happy. Ed just seemed so confident and sure of himself in a way James knew he'd never have, so when he took him to a party one night, with no more instructions other than make a scene at precisely 11:33pm, James obeyed and got himself thrown out by throwing champagne over several people's heads, starting a food fight, and yelling obscenities at the crowd as he threatened to strip completely. He was carted out under the arm of a very large bouncer and thrown onto the street. He didn't even care about the bruises because he'd had so much fun, and not much later, there was Ed, also being carried out and dumped on the street. They celebrated with some very expensive whisky and a kebab as they made their way home, James still utterly clueless as to what Ed had really been doing that night.  
  


* * *

  
James hadn't slept, of course. He'd been too scared to sleep. He had been nervously watching every single drunk idiot who came into the restaurant, just in case one of them was Ed. He still wasn’t sure if he really wanted to meet him or not. His head was a mess of emotions. And he was afraid that if he did come to talk to him, Ed would just charm him into his bed all over again, and he wasn’t sure he wanted that. He had Greg and Alex now. He had a family. He wasn’t the desperate, lonely boy Ed had first laid eyes on. James was in a different place now. Would he still go back with him if he asked? If Ed came in right this very moment and asked him to run away with him, would he go? Would he obey him like he used to do? Or would he say no? He hadn’t seen him for six years. He wasn’t sure he even knew him at all now. What would be the point in bringing Ed back into his life? Maybe there was no point.  
  
The problem, of course, with hiding in a restaurant was that he was left with nothing to do but sit and ruminate, and that was, in many ways, worse than if he’d just gone home. He’d flicked through some magazines, just to make it look like he was doing something, but once he’d run out of them, he was just left on his own with nothing but his thoughts for company. He was too on edge still to relax.  
  
He didn’t know how to feel about Ed. Every day he’d spent with him had been wonderful. He had absolutely no regrets at all. He’d loved him, and he missed him, and he wanted so badly to just snuggle on the sofa with him again like they used to do. But the night Ed had left had broken him, and James had never got over that. Ed had promised to come back for him, but he didn’t. He’d just left. The love in James’ heart for him turned bitter and filled with doubt and self-loathing. It had just been a shitty way to break up with someone. What other reason could there be for Ed just leaving him like that? Telling him some kind of sob story about having to leave because he’s in danger, when really he probably came back the next day with some other cuter boy and forgot James ever existed.  
  
And it wasn’t like James had disappeared either. He’d kept in touch with some of Ed’s friends and contacts. He’d never disappeared for good. He always made sure he was contactable if Ed decided to come back and find him, but he never did. Eventually, he gave up hoping. Ed didn’t want him back, and James felt utterly rejected. He might have got over it if he hadn’t been with someone who told him to stop being a girl and stop crying about it. James was too vulnerable to stand up for himself, so he stopped crying about it, pretending he was fine when he knew he wasn’t. He hadn’t got over it. He’d just shut it out, buried it away deep in his heart, terrified to let it out again in case it totally destroyed him.  
  
But that was his punishment, wasn’t it? Ed was too good to be true. He had to pay for that by losing him forever, and crushing that hurt until it broke him. It’s not like he was innocent. He knew what Ed had done. He knew how he’d made his fortune. He’d been a party to it, charmed by the Devil into a life of crime, and now he was paying the price for it. But now the Devil was back, and James wasn’t sure he could resist him again. He felt far, far too vulnerable now, even though he was safe with Greg and Alex. He was sure Ed wouldn’t need to do much to make him come back to him, even though he’d left him, he’d abandoned him, and James had spent six years missing him and hating him and punishing himself for loving him. He was a fucking mess, and he knew it. All he needed was for Ed to walk in and find him and he’d be a goner. If he was with Greg, maybe he’d stand a chance, but on his own, James was sure he’d fall under his spell again, and he’d lose everything good he’d had in the past three years, all for a man who’d walked out on him and never came back.  
  
And then he wondered if Ed really was coming to find him at all. He just assumed he was, but maybe he’d just been out, and seen him there, and that was it. Maybe Ed wasn’t coming for him after all, just like he’d thought, and that depressed him quite a bit. He didn’t want to be right. He didn’t want to believe that Ed really didn’t love him and wasn’t going to come and find him again. All his pain would have been for nothing if that was the case. But he’d never know if he didn’t get in contact with him again, and maybe Ed wouldn’t want to see him. Maybe Ed didn’t care, and maybe James had known that all along, and had just not wanted to accept the reality of it. But maybe now he’d have to.  
  
If he’d been thinking clearly, perhaps he’d have just gone home, where he could be safe with Greg and Alex, but he didn’t. He kept hiding, afraid to go home, and risk being followed. He didn’t know where Ed was. He didn’t know if he’d actually tracked him this far. Was he just waiting outside to follow him back home when he left? He couldn’t stay here forever. His late-night walks weren’t unusual, Greg and Alex had got used to them because it was sometimes what James needed to clear his head. But he rarely stayed out all night. He should get home, then he could be safe. Greg would protect him, right? But he had to get home first, and that, he was dreading. Perhaps at dawn, maybe he could go then. Until then, he’d have to keep watch and hope Ed didn’t find him.  
  
He was grateful most people left him alone. The staff were quite content to let him stay as long as he kept buying food, too, so he didn’t feel like he was being forced out. A couple of people got chatty with him, but James didn’t mind, they were harmless. The rest of the time, he was watching everyone closely, praying he wouldn’t be found.  
  
He'd had a scare at about 4am when some fit bloke with tatts and a very Ed-like face turned up with his other big boy friends, and James had fled into the girls bathroom, refusing to come out until he was sure they were gone. He'd hoped it was going to be empty, but he heard a toilet flush and a young woman came out of the stall, looking at him with concern.  
  
"You do know this is the ladies, right?" she said.  
  
James turned to her. "I promise, I won't be long, I'm just - hiding. From some bigger boys. I-I don't want them to hurt me."  
  
She offered a dismissive look as she washed her hands and pushed past him. "Yeah, of course you are, I mean, look at you, you couldn't fight a worm."  
  
James knew that was true, but there was no point in fighting. "Look, just don't tell anyone I'm here, I just want to wait until they're gone, then I'll leave, I won't hurt anyone, I promise."  
  
"Tell it to someone who cares," she said.  
  
James ducked into one of the stalls before someone else came in and locked the door. He crouched on the toilet, listening for anyone who might be coming. He could also hear those men, laughing to each other, and James prayed the woman would keep his confidence and tell no one.  
  
The stars must have been looking out for him because the boys soon left, and when he could no longer hear them, he snuck out and crept back to his table, hoping they weren't just waiting for him around the corner.  
  
He knew he was being pathetic. He was being a scared little coward. And who knows? Maybe it wasn't Ed. Maybe it was just - just his twin. Maybe. He should probably head home. He'll be missed soon enough. Alex will go to wake him and he'll be gone, and then they'll both panic and James won't know what to say to either of them because the words were all getting stuck in his throat.  
  
But he knew he'd only feel safe when he was back home, so when sunrise came, he mustered what little courage he had left, and set off home.  
  


* * *

  
Seven years earlier...  
"We're - you're - we're _stealing things_ from people?" James, hysterical, pacing around the room, looking at the pile of money on the table in front of him, as well as a pricey diamond necklace. A properly expensive one. You could tell by how many diamonds it had in it. "No, no. I did _not_ sign up for this. I - goddamn it, I _knew_ this was dodgy. I knew you were bad for me. I'm a good boy! I don't steal! I don't - I'm not a criminal! A-and now I've been helping you steal from people for a year now? Were you ever going to tell me?"  
  
"It's not like I'm taking it from them without their knowledge. They give it to me. Willingly. That's not stealing, James," Ed said.  
  
"It _is_ stealing! It's - it's fraud! Isn't that what this is? Fraud?" James said, trying to cope.  
  
"It's not stealing, it's repatriating. I don't keep as much of it as you think I do. Some of it goes back to whoever I'm collecting for, but a lot of it goes to those who really need it. I have to keep some, because if I don't keep up the posh lifestyle, people get suspicious, but I keep it to as bare a minimum as possible. I don't do it for the money. I do it for justice. Don't you want to see these rich pricks separated from their money? What did they ever do to earn it? Nothing. We do good, honest work, and they sit around pissing on the rest of us. Think of me as a modern-day Robin Hood, but with a fuck-ton more charm and fewer morals," Ed said, unapologetic.  
  
"You give it away? Yeah, right. How much of this are you giving away? There's half a million quid right there. Plus whatever that necklace gets you. Where's all that going?" James said, unable to comprehend what was happening.  
  
Ed shrugged. "Homeless shelters, youth shelters, women's shelters, whoever needs it, really. All anonymous donations. Untraceable cash. No dodgy records. No one loses. If they're dumb enough to give me money no one can trace, well, that's their problem, not mine. At least I'm trying to make it do something good in this world. As for the necklace, it'll turn up somewhere. Probably back in her jewellery box a week later. I didn't need it, they threw that in, but like hell I can sell that and get away with it. Diamonds aren't worth it. They're too risky now. Cash is what I want. I'm untouchable."  
  
"No, you're not. You keep saying that and one day, it'll all go wrong and you'll be dead, or in jail, and I'll be dead, or in jail. That's what's waiting for us! Death or jail!" James said, still not quite done panicking yet.  
  
Ed walked over to him and cupped his face to kiss him, and James forgot, well. He forgot everything he was protesting about because the way Ed kissed him was just so _intense_ and made him surrender to him every single time. Besides, Ed had kept his word. He had protected him and taken care of him, and maybe it wasn't so bad that Ed was giving the money away. Maybe-maybe that made it better. That was what James told himself as Ed seduced him all over again.  
  


* * *

  
James snuck in through the garden, going through the secure side gate to the house, just so that Ed wouldn't see if he was stalking the street, waiting for him to come back and see what house he lived in. He'd used this entrance before, of course, when he didn't want to go in the front after a long late-night walk. It was just a matter of unlocking the back door and creeping in through the laundry. He didn't like going through the conservatory because he could be seen, but the laundry offered a quick way in, and then he could creep up to bed and pretend like he'd been there the whole night.  
  
Just as he got to the kitchen, that was when the tiredness hit, along with the hunger. He got himself a bowl of cereal, ate it in the kitchen, and before he was really aware of making this decision, he'd fallen asleep in the playroom, collapsing on top of the pile of cushions by the fireplace.  
  


* * *

  
Six years earlier...  
James felt someone rousing him from his sleep and saw Ed crouching beside his bed as he opened his eyes. "Ed? What's the matter? Something wrong?"  
  
"James, baby boy, I gotta go away for a while. Just need to get out of town, keep my head down, start again, you know? Just lay low until things settle down. I don't want to, but I have to. But I need you to go too. You're not safe here, but you're not safe with me, either. I don't want to leave you, James, but I have to, and I really, really don't want to," Ed said, bringing him into a tight hug.  
  
"You-you're going away? Are you in trouble? Am I in trouble? Where am I meant to go? I don't have anywhere to go," James said, Ed's words beginning to sink in.  
  
Ed kissed him hard. "I can't say, I don't want to put you in any more danger. Just - you remember Mark, don't you? Go stay with him. He'll keep you safe. Just - it's a few months, maybe, tops, I promise, then I'll be back to pick you up and we'll be fine. I promise we'll be fine. We won't get in trouble, I promise."  
  
"I bet you say that to all the boys you need to abandon. Like hell you'll be back. You'll take the money and run away to France for all I know and I'll never see you again," James said. He was crying now, and clinging to him, filled with anger as well as anxious fear. He really didn't want to be alone now, not without Ed. He loved Ed, and he'd been sure, up until that moment, that Ed loved him back.  
  
"If I'd wanted to just run off, I'd have left already and not bothered to wake you up to tell you. I won't leave you forever, I won't, I promise I'll be back. Pinky promise, James," Ed said, linking their pinkies together. "I'll come back soon and take you somewhere safe when this all blows over, I promise."  
  
"Don't go, Ed, please. I don't want Mark, I want you. I'll do anything, I can keep quiet, I-I can be discreet!" James said, pleading with him.  
  
"I'm sorry, baby boy, I gotta leave you behind. They know your face too, you know. They'll know us if we're together. That's why I can't take you with me. You need to be careful, too. I didn't want to get you in trouble, but I did, and I feel awful about it. You didn't deserve that from me," Ed said.  
  
"Please, Ed. Please. Don't you love me anymore? Is that it? Is this just some elaborate fucking break-up, Ed? Trying to break it to me gently rather than tell me I'm a shit you don't care about anymore?" James said.  
  
"No, don't you _dare_ think that. This isn't a break-up. I love you so much, James. Sure, I've fucked over a lot of my lovers because I wasn't thinking, I was just being selfish, but I'm not that man anymore. I didn't just pick you because you're good at distractions, and you're terribly easy, it was because I fell in love with you in a way I've never fallen for anyone else before. Do you think I want to leave you? Do you think I'm not going to miss you every day we're apart? I want nothing more than for life to go on how it’s been before, but it can't. Not for a while, anyway. And you know you can't contact me, right? I'm going off-grid. Don't you dare even ask after me, alright? As far as you're concerned, I don't exist, and I never did. If you want me to be safe, and come back for you, pretend I don't exist. This all never happened. You don't know me. You've never heard of me. You can't pick out my face. We're two people who've never seen each other before in our lives. It has to be this way, James, it has to be, if we both want to be safe," Ed said.  
  
James clung to him tighter. "No. NO! I'm not going to just pretend this isn't real. This is real, Ed! I love you! I can't live without you, Ed, I can't, it'll break me. You want me to deny knowing you like Peter denied Jesus? No, no way, I won't do it. I won't speak about it, but I'm not forgetting you. I can't. That'd be like - like - ripping my heart out! I won't do it. I can't do it. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You really want me to just cut that out like it doesn't exist? It'd kill me. I can't. I can't do that, Ed, I can't, don't make me, I won't forget you, I won't, I won't, I can't let you go, not without me."  
  
"I know it's real, James, that's why it hurts so much, but you have to deny me to make sure I'm safe. You do want me to be safe, don't you? Do this one last thing for me, baby boy, and I'll be back with you before you know it," Ed said. "I promise. I wouldn't abandon you. I couldn't. It'd break my heart to leave you alone."  
  
"Then don't. Stay with me. Take me with you. Don't just throw me out with nothing. What am I meant to do now? Where can I go? Where's safe for me if you have to run away?" James said.  
  
"There's some money in the safe. Cash. About ten grand. Take every last note with you but spend it discreetly, in little bits, like I taught you how to do, yeah? Don't give anyone reason to think you've got that much cash with you. And I do want you to spend it. Spend every last pound. I don't want any of it left. It needs to disappear. Mark will show you some of the other safehouses, too, if you need to move on. Just keep moving, do what I taught you to do, be the magnificent grifter I know you are. You're good at it. I charm them, but you can make them take you in and protect you. You're like the Trojan horse of grifters because you don't stand out. You don't look like a threat. That will keep you safe." Ed glanced at his watch. "I gotta go, baby boy. Train's leaving soon." Ed kissed him, and James felt Ed begin to cry.  
  
"No, please, don't leave me," James whispered, unwilling to let him go as Ed broke away from him. James reached for him, noticed he had a bag with him, didn't know what else to say, was afraid this was going to be the last time he ever saw him.  
  
"I have to, baby boy. It's the only way to keep you safe. And I promised I would always keep you safe. I'll miss you every single day, baby boy, but I'll be back, don't you worry about that. I'll be back, and I'll take care of you again, and everything will be fine. I promise," Ed said.  
  
Ed gave him one last kiss, whispered 'Never forget how much I love you,' before he turned and left. James sat on his bed, bereft, weeping, his heart breaking. 

* * *

  
"James? Are you alright? What time did you get in last night? Is everything alright? Did you get in trouble? Are you hurt? James, please, wake up."  
  
It took a long time for Alex's voice to penetrate into his consciousness. He didn't know how long he'd slept for, but he still felt exhausted, like his eyes were pinned shut and refused to open. He was sort of aware of Alex calling to him again before he seemed to leave him alone, because there was silence. But just before he could slip deep into sleep again, he was being picked up or possibly cradled, and he knew it was Greg because Alex didn't do that kind of thing with him.  
  
"James, hey there, how're you doing? Alex said you were out all night. Everything alright?" Greg said.  
  
James clutched on to him, but he couldn't find his voice. Greg gently stroked his hair and just let him wake up slowly in the silence. The problem with the silence, of course, was that it gave room for all the memories he'd been dreaming about, and he missed Ed more intensely than he'd missed him in years, and yet he still didn't know if he ever wanted to see him again.  
  
"I'm so sorry, sir, I've been so bad. You should kick me out for staying out all night," James murmured, more awake than before, though his eyes were still closed.  
  
"You only stay out all night when you're having a crisis. Did you meet someone out there who scared you?" Greg said. "It's alright, you don't have to tell me if it's too much. But I'm not letting you go until I know you're alright. I take care of you, and that's not a promise that's going to stop any time soon."  
  
James might have felt tears well in his eyes then. Ed had promised to always take care of him, too, and look where that had ended up. But Greg wasn't like that, was he? Surely Greg wasn't going to leave him. James clung to him, holding him close, letting Greg hug him and press a soft kiss to his head.  
  
"It's alright, James, it's going to be alright. Just let it all out, you'll be fine, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere," Greg said.  
  
"Yeah, that's what he said and he still fucking left," James blurted out without thinking, and when he realised, he wanted to crawl away from Greg and hide away in shame, but Greg was holding him too well. Too tightly. And that always made him calm down.  
  
"I'm not him, whoever he is. I'm right here. I'll always be right here as long as you need me. I did wonder why you were so anxious about that when you first got here and why you kept asking if you could stay forever. You got your heart broken, didn't you? Oh, my poor little boy. You just take your time, it's alright, you'll be fine. I'm here if you ever want to talk," Greg said.  
  
James took a deep breath. He didn't really want to think about it, let alone talk about it, if he was honest. He was sure that if he tried to explain it, he'd probably never stop talking until he'd told him everything, and he wasn't ready for that. Because he knew now that at least a few of the people they'd scammed had been Greg's acquaintances and friends, and he was terrified of the retribution he knew he deserved if that ever got out. He was just waiting for someone to recognise him and then it would all be over. Ed would disappear into the aether again, and he'd go to jail. It might be all he deserved, but he was better off keeping his mouth shut.  
  
James refused to say anything. He didn't trust himself to speak. He was probably being extremely obvious that something was wrong, but Greg didn't seem to want to force him to speak, and just cradled him in his arms while he woke up in his own time. James lay there, listening to his breathing, trying not to just sink into those memories again. Greg had an infuriating way of making him talk, and he knew that's where this was heading as much as he wanted to resist it. He knew he had to deal with it eventually, but right now, all he felt was raw pain and anger, wanting to just lash out at Ed to punish him for how he'd had to live with all this betrayal for so long.  
  
In those first few months without him, when James was trying to sort his life out, that was when he began to doubt everything about their relationship. Ed was a grifter. A liar. A charmer. That's how he got what he wanted. That's how he'd got James. How could James trust that anything he said was true? Maybe Ed didn't really love him after all, why would he? James wasn't much of a catch, but then he kept falling for the wrong guys. Mean guys. Ed was just another mean guy he'd fallen for, right? Someone who'd just taken advantage of his submissive, pliant nature and taken everything they wanted from him and gave nothing in return.  
  
It's not like Ed gave him much either, when he thought about it. He might have offered a job, but he wasn't paid for it. He waited around for Ed for so long, just killing time, keeping his flat tidy, maybe cooking dinner in the hopes that Ed might be home to eat it with him for once. Sure, he had a very nice apartment to live in, with everything he could ever want, and all he had to do was keep it clean, and sleep with Ed, and create distractions at parties. But was he really loved? Or was he just ... convenient? Loyal and obedient to a fault, just always there whenever Ed needed him, eager to make him happy, and not even willing to complain about anything? Even when he'd found out what Ed was really doing, Ed had charmed him into staying. Convinced him it was totally fine. They were just being like Robin Hood. Taking money from the rich to give to the poor because no one else was going to do it, were they? James liked that idea. That it was a good thing. That this wasn't just getting rich. It was about justice.  
  
But perhaps that was all a lie too, James thought. It's not like Ed had ever proved that's what he'd done with the money. James had just believed him without question. Maybe it was all hidden in small off-shore tax havens, and Ed had done a runner to somewhere where he wouldn't be caught and the money would all be his. And all James was left with was a broken heart, the last £10 he had left from the money he'd taken from Ed's flat, tucked away in his wallet where he wouldn't spend it, and empty promises from the man he'd loved so fiercely.  
  
But he _had_ come back. Six years later, there was Ed, standing on the footpath before him, and James had run like an idiot as far from him as he could. James had always been a coward. But perhaps the truth of the matter was that he didn't want to talk to Ed because he didn't want to know the truth. He didn't want to hear Ed say he'd never loved him. That it had all just been a lie. James wasn't sure he'd ever get over that if that was the case. He'd still be grieving for him when he was 90, and he was sure he'd never love anyone ever again.  
  
Except - except that wasn’t true either. He had fallen in love again, this time with Greg. And Alex. That was real, wasn't it? Was this all real? Did they really love him? James wasn't willing to trust his own instincts, at least not while he was still filled with so many complicated emotions about Ed. He was doubting everything now. Maybe Greg and Alex were just two more mean guys to add to his terrible track record of mean guys.  
  
But he'd never been comforted like this before either. Greg seemed to be different. Alex seemed to be different. Three years on, and James still didn't always believe this was real, that it was going to last. His whole life had led him to believe this kind of relationship would never happen to him. He never fell for the right guys. But perhaps someone - God? - had heard him that night, when he'd been kicked out again, and he was sitting outside a club, scared, cold, and alone, praying for a miracle. Greg had found him that night. Greg had saved him. Was that a miracle? Or was he just convenient again?  
  
"I guess he hurt you pretty badly if you're this much of a mess about it. You're not usually this quiet," Greg said, his voice piercing his thoughts.  
  
"I know, I'm such a mess. I don't know why you've kept me here so long, I'm so much work for you. You shouldn't have to fix me," James said.  
  
"I shouldn't have to, no, but if I won't, you're not going to do the work either, are you? I mean, look at you. You never grieved for the end of that relationship, did you? That's why you're still cut up about it now, am I right?" Greg said.  
  
"No, I didn't, but that's the thing, it never ended. He said he'd come back. He promised he'd come back. And-and he didn't. Not until-" James said, saying perhaps more than he wanted to, but knowing this would help. It was always hard to talk, but Greg knew how to do it in a way that worked for him. That made him feel better.  
  
"Last night, I'm guessing? Yeah, that's hard, that is. No wonder you never let go," Greg said. He turned to Alex, who was still there, but sitting at a polite distance so he didn't crowd James. "Alex, go get all of James' favourite comfort foods. I've got a feeling we're going to need them all today."  
  
"All of them? But we don't have them all," Alex said.  
  
"Then you'd better go to the shops and get them, hadn't you? Take my card. Spend whatever you need to and leave the receipts for me," Greg said. Alex bowed, replied with a quick 'yes, sir' and left them alone. "Where do you want to be today, James? Clearly you're in no fit state to work, and I'm not going to leave you until we've cheered you up."  
  
James looked up at him, incredulous. "No, no, I'll be fine. I don't - need this. I'll be fine. It was just - a shock. I'm fine."  
  
"You're clearly not fine, James, even I can see that. See, here's the thing. If I send you to your room to take some time for yourself, you'll just wallow in there for days and you'll be no better afterwards than you were when you went in, and I'm not having it. Not this time. This is clearly a painful thing to talk about, but the longer you hold on to it, the more painful it'll become, and maybe you ran into him last night because it's time to let it all go. How long ago did he leave you?" Greg said.  
  
"Six - six years ago," James murmured, ashamed. "He didn't even say goodbye, not properly, just - woke me up and told me he was leaving. And that was it. He was gone. I never saw him again."  
  
"Did he have his reasons?" Greg asked.  
  
"Yeah, yeah he did. But he was a liar. I don't know if anything he ever told me was real," James said.  
  
"Okay, what kind of liar? You don't strike me as the kind of man who would fall for someone like that," Greg said.  
  
"A-a... He was a conman. A grifter. Lying was his job. That's how he made his money. I was just ... convenient. Some poor sap down on his luck who he could charm into bed and use as much as he wanted to because I loved him so much. How do I know he really loved me? He told people exactly what they wanted to hear. That's why he was so good. I believed everything he said. I'm too gullible. And he fucked me over, I'm sure of it. I was just there because I was useful, and then he left when I wasn't useful anymore," James said, feeling like there was no point in avoiding the conversation now. Greg had won, much as he hated it.  
  
"Do you really believe that, or are you just trying to make yourself feel better about what happened? How do you know he was lying to you? Did he tell you he was lying?" Greg said.  
  
James broke away from him then, needing to be alone. Greg let him go, and watched James pace around the room, thinking. James didn't know, if he was honest. Was he just reacting? Was he just trying to protect himself? Had Ed really loved him, or had it all just been a game to him?  
  
"You don't know, do you?" Greg said.  
  
"No, no, I don't. That's what made it so hard to let go. He left me, and it sowed so much doubt in my mind." James turned back to Greg and sat down before him, searching his eyes. "How do you just get over that?"  
  
"I mean, I'd tell you to go talk to him, but I don't know if you ever would, would you? Because you sitting here making up the worst-case scenarios isn't going to help you at all until you hear it from him," Greg said.  
  
"I mean, yeah, okay, alright, I'll go talk to him, but how will I know he's not lying? He's always lying! How do I know he's not just going to tell me what I want to hear? Then I'll be no better than before I ever saw him again!" James said, beginning to get a little hysterical.  
  
Greg sighed. "I think you need a bath to calm down, don't you? Go on, up you get, let your Daddy take care of you. Also, you stink, and I'm not having a dirty boy cuddling up to me all day."  
  
James hung his head, but did as he was told, resigned to his fate. "Yes, sir."  
  


* * *

  
Six years earlier...  
James cried until dawn, when the distant sound of police sirens suddenly made him panic, and he gathered the cash, what clothes he could fit into his backpack, and hoped there was still just enough darkness to hide his escape.  
  
He didn't want to leave. This apartment held so many happy memories for him. But he knew he had no choice. He didn't want to be caught. He had to go. There weren't many personal effects left, except for one photo in a small wooden frame, of him and Ed drinking together in their favourite pub, and James took it, unable to leave it behind, because he needed something to hang on to, and this might have to be it. He packed it in his backpack under his clothes, promising never to show it to anyone.  
  
Mark didn't live that far away. He did, but he didn't. James had memorised the route ages ago, because Ed had told him to in case he ever needed to escape. Like he needed to do right now. He glared at everyone he passed, searched for anyone who might have recognised him, huddled into himself to fend off the chill and to avoid being seen, and tried not to think about Ed. Which just resulted in him thinking about Ed the entire time.  
  
Mark took him in, understanding what had happened, and James fell into a pit of numbness that lasted a week before he found the courage, via fear, to focus as he hid all of those memories and pain away and began transforming himself into someone else. He had to become someone else and leave James in the pit to cry about Ed because he couldn't. He wasn't James anymore, and only James had loved Ed so much his heart was in pieces without him. Not being James, he didn't have that hurt. He could carry on. He could put on this new mask, and this new name, and this new attitude, and he'd be fine. Ed had taught him everything he knew about grifting. Now, he had to put that into practice if he was going to survive.  
  


* * *

  
A bath, it turned out, was just what James needed. True to his word, Greg didn't leave James alone to wallow, he just sat there with him in the water and told him stories, guessing James might need a little distraction. James was also surprised he had been allowed into Greg's bath, which was bigger than any bath he'd ever seen before. But he could fit in there with Greg, and somehow, that helped. Greg washed him down and held him close. It began to help James stop doubting whether Greg loved him. He clearly did, and James was thankful for it. He wasn't sure how he'd have coped with this on his own. Probably ran away somewhere, maybe - maybe definitely not coped with it well at all.  
  
But he was with Greg now, and Greg was taking care of him, and James still found that surprising. It's not like James had been holding back on telling him things about his past for three years. He'd told him a lot of things. He'd just never been brave enough to talk about Ed. But maybe once this was out in the open, he might be able to love him properly, to believe it at last, and not worry he was holding back all the time. Maybe that's what he'd wanted all along.  
  
Alex had returned with all of James' favourite treats by the time they were done, and they made a cosy little nest in the lounge for a day of comfort and taking care of each other. James had been apprehensive about whether he wanted Alex there, but once they were all snuggled together on the sofa, James in the middle, he didn't want Alex to leave at all. He needed them both today, and he was grateful for it.  
  
"So what's the purpose of all of this, sir? Why is James getting all his favourite things today?" Alex said.  
  
"Poor kid's got a broken heart. I reckon we'd better make it all better, hadn't we?" Greg said.  
  
"It's not - it's not us, is it? We didn't hurt him, did we?" Alex said, suddenly afraid that he'd done something wrong.  
  
"No, no, not us. It was someone else wasn't it, James?" Greg said.  
  
James nodded. "Yeah, someone else. Someone I thought I loved, but he left me, promising me he’d come back for me, but he didn't. No wonder I'm such a mess."  
  
"But why now? Isn't all that in the past?" Alex said, confused.  
  
"Oh, I ran into him last night on my walk. That's why I was out all night. I - I ran away from him, and I don't know if I ever want to see him again. That's why," James said.  
  
"Oh, that doesn't sound fun. Was he mean to you?" Alex said.  
  
James shook his head. "No, no, he wasn't. He just ... apologised for taking so long to find me. But I didn't stay to find out if he meant it. I just fled. I-I didn't want to lead him home so I went elsewhere, ran into town, found a McDonald's to hide in. I made my way home at dawn. I'm just - I don't know what to do. I know he'll track me down. He's good at that. What do I do if he turns up here? He's a bad man, Greg, he'll steal from you."  
  
"Is he a bad man, or are you just projecting again? Because this sounds very much like projection. I'm not trying to excuse his crimes, of course, but if I've learnt anything about you over the past three years, it's that you don't hurt without feeling something. Your love for him was real, whether he loved you back or not. That's why it hurt so much when he left. You thought he was the one, didn't you?" Greg said.  
  
James glanced up at him. "No, I hated him at first. He was just so cool and confident, you know how some guys are in pubs, yeah? But we met a couple of times, and he charmed me. Offered me a job. And he was really great in bed. That helped too. And he was just so much fun to be around, you know? We'd go to all these parties, and he'd tell me what time he wanted me to make a scene, and I'd do it, and we'd be drunk, but we'd be getting kicked out, and we'd have the best sex after a night like that. And he'd buy me ice cream, and leave me home to watch tv, or he'd take me out around town, or we'd go to the movies together. The way he kissed me was ... oh, he could make me melt at his touch. I'd just go all tingly, you know?"  
  
Greg smiled. "Yeah, I know. You still go all tingly when I kiss you."  
  
"And when I kiss you, too," Alex added.  
  
James smiled shyly. "I just like being kissed, alright? It just feels really nice! I'm not even fussy! It doesn't need to be good! Just kiss me, that's all I need."  
  
"If that's what you need, sure, we'll kiss you, won't we, Alex?" Greg said, with a little glee in his eyes.  
  
"Oh, yes, we'll kiss you, alright," Alex said, a hand possessively pressing against his chest to stop him moving.  
  
James barely had time to reply before Greg had cupped his face and kissed him, Alex curling up beside him to kiss his neck and hold him close. And then it was Alex's turn to kiss him, giving him soft little kisses that made James shiver as Greg let his hands wander, just a little, just teasing, nothing more than that. James hadn't expected this, but it did feel nice, and he let it go on as long as they were willing to let it go on, gasping as they both gently bit his neck and threatened to turn this into a sex thing.  
  
And then they just held him, cuddling all together on the sofa, and for a moment, James forgot about Ed. He was sure, now, that he wouldn't go back to him if he ever came round. That was done. He'd moved on. But perhaps he did need to talk to him, just one last time, just to get some closure.  
  
"You feeling any better yet?" Greg murmured, a hand gently tangling in James' hair.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, a bit. His name was Ed, by the way. At least, that's the only name I know him by. Sometimes, I feel like I knew him better than anyone else I've ever been with, but maybe it was all just a lie. Maybe I never knew him at all," James said.  
  
"Well, he cared enough to tell you he was leaving. Doesn't that count in his favour? What happened that night?" Greg said.  
  
If anyone else had asked, perhaps James would have refused to talk about it. But he'd said so much already, and he knew he had to finish this. Greg always knew what was good for him, and keeping things to himself wasn't good for him.  
  
"I don't know, he just - woke me up. I can't remember what time. He was just kneeling by my bed, telling me he had to go away for a while. He was just trying to keep me safe, he said, that's why I couldn't go with him and he told me not to contact him. I had to run too, because people might know my face, but he told me where to go, told me a friend of his would look after me, and told me to spend the rest of the money. Those last few kisses hurt so much, sir. I never wanted to let him go. And-and he was crying too, sir, he kept saying he didn't want to go, but he had to, but he'd come back for me. He promised. Pinky promised, sir! He said he'd come back for me, and then he was gone. He was just gone, sir. I think I cried for the rest of the night, until I heard sirens, you know? I-I panicked, grabbed the cash, packed my things, and left. I only took one thing from the flat, a little photo frame, it was the only photo we had of us together. I couldn't bear to leave it behind. And then I had to go and become someone else and pretend I wasn't broken inside. I never heard from him again, not until last night. That's what happened when he left, sir," James said, and he didn't even stop himself crying because it still hurt all these years later.  
  
Greg just gave him a tight hug and Alex curled up beside him. "Jesus, no wonder you're still cut up about it. What a way to leave. Do you still have that photo? I bet you do, don't you?"  
  
James nodded, wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve. "That, and the last £10 from the money I had to spend. That's it. That's all I've got left of that relationship."  
  
"Why'd you keep the photo?" Greg asked.  
  
"I just wanted something to remember him. He wouldn't let me take photos of him, didn't want any evidence, you know? But he did, just the once, just the two of us together in our favourite pub. That's the photo I took. He liked it and got it framed ages ago, but I couldn't leave it behind. Didn't want him to get in trouble," James said.  
  
"Did you ever check to see if he'd written a message for you on the back of that photo? He might have left it there knowing you'd take it with you," Greg said.  
  
James sat up and looked at Greg. "No, of course I didn't check for a message. Why would he leave me a message? He just left me, told me to forget he ever existed and not to try to contact him, and never came back like he promised he would. That doesn’t sound like the kind of man who leaves a secret message, you know?"  
  
"I mean, you're right, maybe he didn't, but how do you know he didn't if you haven't looked?" Greg said. "Maybe he really did care, and it was just your defensive hurt that made you doubt his feelings for you."  
  
James had no idea how to take that. He'd never checked for a message. He had spiralled into self-doubt so quickly, the very thought of it had never occurred to him. Even now, he doubted Ed would have done such a thing. Why would he? Why would he leave a message for him that James might not even have seen if he didn't tell him to take the photo? It's not like it was an obvious thing he knew he was taking. He'd noticed it at the last minute, just sitting on the kitchen counter, and it was the only thing left that was theirs. That was really them. Everything else was a façade, a fiction. But those two drunk idiots in a pub? That was them. That was really them. James had always treasured it, because it was the only time he'd ever seen Ed allow himself to be vulnerable around him and take a photo of the two of them together. There was James, trying to aim his phone right while Ed pressed a sloppy kiss on his cheek, making him laugh, as he wrapped his arms around him, and maybe it wasn't perfectly composed or lit, but it didn't matter to James. It was perfect. It would always be perfect. It contained everything about his relationship with Ed that he still clung to. That was why he loved him.  
  
"Go on, go and check. Maybe he's been waiting all this time for you to get in touch, maybe that's why he didn't come back for so long," Greg said.  
  
James paled at that thought. "No, do you really think that? Should I have done something? Is this all my fault? But I didn't know! He should've told me! I'd have messaged him in a heartbeat if that's what he'd wanted. I didn't want to lose him. Why didn't he tell me if that's what he wanted me to do?"  
  
"I don't know, I don't know if that's what he wanted at all. But if he really did care, maybe he still wanted to be in touch with you somehow. You said he was planning to come back, why would that suggest he was abandoning you forever? He wanted to come back to you," Greg said.  
  
James got to his feet then, needing some space. Guilt was beginning to sink in now, even if he didn't know that's what Ed had wanted him to do. He had to go and check that photo. He needed to know, one way or another.  
  
"I-I'll be back. Just - gimme a sec," James said as he left them alone to head upstairs.  
  


* * *

  
Five years earlier...  
James had kind of zoned out, if he was honest. The man having sex with him was competent, but boring, but that's what he was paying him to do, so James wasn't about to complain. Not that he was a prostitute by any means. He wasn't. But this fucker in the bar had offered him £100 for a fuck, and James had been too poor not to agree. No, not poor. Just broke. Between boyfriends, as it were. This fucker wasn’t going to take him home, but that money would come in handy until he found his next mark.  
  
Grifting was not easy work without Ed. Ed had always came up with the plans. On his own, James was ... alright. He got by doing small cons, street magic, that sort of thing. Blagging his way into bands for a while before disappearing into the night with the money. Finding guys to hook up with at gay clubs by looking like a lost little puppy so he’d have somewhere to stay for a while. You know, the little things. It was a far cry from the parties Ed had taken him to, where he'd be coming home with more money than James had ever seen in his entire life before. Those days were gone. Now it was just enough to get by.  
  
Well, no. That was a lie. He wasn't struggling, if he was being honest, though sometimes he thought he deserved to be. He'd used that ten grand very well for once. He'd always been able to afford rent and food and a few luxuries, and he was getting good at convincing people to buy him things rather than waste his own money. He'd always been comfortable and he’d never slept rough, not once. Mark had hooked him up with some good contacts, and they'd taught him a few new skills that had come in real handy. He'd perfected his charisma and his charm and his character to the point where he'd almost forgotten who he used to be. That scared little boy Ed had taken in and charmed was long gone.  
  
But he wasn't, not really. Any time he saw anyone who looked even a little like Ed, his heart jumped into his throat, and he wanted so much to run into his arms again, even though he was still so bitter about being left behind. He was constantly looking for him in the crowds, but he'd never found him. No one knew where he was. He'd just disappeared.  
  
James was beginning to doubt he would ever see him again. He'd had two years of bliss, and perhaps that was all he deserved for what he'd done. He didn't deserve nice things. He didn't deserve to be treated well. He was a conman. He was a fraud. He needed to be punished for what he'd done. And maybe that's why he was lying here, letting this man fuck him, and not even caring how much it hurt. Pain was all he deserved. That's all he was good for.  
  


* * *

  
The photo of him and Ed had been tucked away in the bottom drawer of his nightstand ever since he'd arrived. He'd never shown it to anyone before, because he didn't want to give Ed away or get him in trouble. He smiled at it, seeing them sitting there together. He could still hear the band playing shitty covers, all the conversation going on around them, how James had been scared they'd be caught and thrown out if anyone saw them being even slightly gay with each other, but Ed hadn't cared and kissed him anyway. Sure, they left soon after, but it didn't matter. Ed took him home, and they had sex all night, and James woke up in his arms, feeling hung over, exhausted, but utterly content. He never wanted to leave him.  
  
He sat down on his bed as he turned the frame over. He moved the four little clips out of the way and took the back off, and he saw the writing immediately and kicked himself for not even bothering to check for it when he first ran away. Of course Ed would leave him a message. Why had he been so stupid to doubt he'd do that? Perhaps Greg was right, he'd been too caught up in doubting everything to imagine Ed actually cared. And reading his words now, Ed absolutely cared. James read his words, and didn't even try to stop the tears falling.  
  
'Hey there, baby boy, I didn't want to have to do this, but if you're reading this, I've had to go away for a while. Believe me, I don't want to, I'd love to stay and be with you forever, but things might get dangerous. I might have to lie low and I can't do that with you. I'll miss you every single day that I'm away from you, and leaving you will hurt me as much as it hurts you, but I don't want you getting caught up in this with me. You deserve better than that. I can't tell you where I'm going, and I won't tell you why, but I can't bear to live without hearing from you. Message me here: daddybear@nightj.ar, no one else knows this email, don't give it to anyone else, but please get in touch. I need to know my baby boy's alright. I gotta go. Always remember that I love you. One day I'll hold you in my arms again. Love, Ed.'  
  
"Ed, you fucking – _fucking_ -“  
  
James threw the picture away with a cry of rage and frustration, not caring that it hit the wall and the glass shattered. He didn’t care. He’d spent all this time waiting for him, when really, Ed had spent all that time waiting for James, and he’d done nothing because he didn’t know.    
  
“Why would you do that to me? All these fucking years, Ed! Six fucking years and all you had to say was look on the back of the fucking photo!”  
  
James was crying, pacing agitatedly, unsure how on earth to deal with any of this. And then, Greg’s big, strong arms closed tightly around him, and James froze, struggling in vain to get free.  
  
“Stop,” Greg ordered.  
  
James couldn’t help responding to his voice. He was too well-trained to fight now. That command to stop just made his body go limp, and he let Greg hold him still. Everything just felt overwhelming, and he couldn’t stop crying.  
  
“Hey, hey, hey, shhhh, calm down, James, calm down. It’s alright. It’ll be alright. I’m here. I’ve got you. You’re safe,” Greg said gently, refusing to let him go.  
  
“Why would he do that to me, Greg? Why wouldn’t he say he’d left a message? I’d have emailed him in a heartbeat, he knew I would, why didn’t he tell me? It’s been six years of anguish, not even knowing if he cared, and now I just-“ James stopped, unsure what to say. He didn’t know.  
  
“Maybe he forgot, maybe he thought you’d know to look because it was your favourite photo, I don’t know. I wish I could give you closure on it, but I can’t,” Greg said.  
  
“Why didn’t he tell me? Didn’t he trust me? He must hate me now, he must think I don’t love him because I didn’t get in touch, I bet he thinks that, right? He hates me, and why should he love me, anyway? I’m so pathetic,” James said.  
  
“You’re not pathetic, James, you’re just hurt and confused, and that’s perfectly reasonable, given what happened to you. At least you know he cared about you. Are you going to contact him now?” Greg said.  
  
James shook his head, rubbed his eyes, didn’t even know what he was feeling apart from everything all at once. His instinct was to just rage at Ed, to scream six years of pain at him until he felt better, but Ed wasn’t here, and Greg didn’t deserve that, so he just felt trapped. He didn’t want to see Ed again. He didn’t see the point. All he’d do is yell at him and then leave him. Instead, he gave a cry of frustration and wished he knew what to do.  
  
“Alex, get his blanket. I think our boy needs a big, big sleep after being out all night. I’ll bring him down to my room, meet us there, will you? And grab a bag of sweets while you’re there, he’ll need them,” Greg said.  
  
“Yes, sir,” Alex said.  
  
James hadn’t even realised Alex was there, but he was in no position to fight. Greg picked him up in his arms and carried him downstairs to his bed, where he made him wash his face, got him out of his clothes and sit there and breathe and count to 100 to calm him down. James obeyed, counting under his breath as he waited for Alex to get there.  
  
He knew Greg was right. He was tired, over-tired, as well as emotionally drained. He was overstimulated again, and he needed to calm down. Greg offered him some sweets after he got to 50, and the sugar helped, if he was honest. He felt like such a child, like he couldn’t handle a break-up like an adult, and here he was, screaming for something, too overwhelmed by it all, unable to handle something most people knew how to deal with. But James couldn’t deal with it, not now that it was all coming out. He’d known this one would he difficult to handle, which is why he’d resisted telling Greg about it for so long, but there was no going back now. He would just have to get through this, somehow.  
  
Greg came and sat beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Do you want us to stay here with you? Or do you need to be alone right now?”  
  
James just shook his head, didn’t know, couldn’t think, just ended up crying again, hiding his face in his hands.  
  
“Oh, you poor thing. He really hurt you badly, didn’t he? At least I understand now why you’ve always doubted this would last, not if you’d gone through that. You should’ve told me sooner but I understand why it was so hard. I’ve had boys like you before who had trust issues, and we’ve worked through them together. Building trust is hard after a relationship like that, but you wouldn’t still be here if you didn’t want to be. You just cry it all out and let it go. He can’t hurt you anymore,” Greg said.  
  
James didn’t really know how to do that, but he let Greg hold him close and comfort him and it did make him feel better. But what really made him relax was being under his blanket. James loved the weight of it, and he curled up tight underneath it, holding it close to his skin, needing the weight of it to do its work.  
  
“Do you need us to stay, James? Or do you need to be alone?” Greg said.  
  
“Stay, please? Talk to me. Tell me stories. Stop me thinking about – him, because I don’t know how to process that. It’s just too overwhelming right now. I need distractions,” James said.  
  
“Alright, we’ll stay. Come on, shift over a bit, we’ll lie here with you,” Greg said.  
  
James shifted until he was closer to the middle of the bed, and then he felt Greg and Alex lie either side of him. He reached for Alex and grabbed his wrist, bringing him under the blanket with him. He needed to be held, and he clung to Alex, needing to know he was loved. Alex held him gently and James lay there, his eyes closed, as Greg began telling him silly stories until James fell fast asleep.  
  


* * *

  
Three years earlier…  
For once, James had seen the writing on the wall and decided to get out before he was thrown out. It hadn’t been a bad relationship, to be fair. The man he’d been living with was nice enough, and while James had enjoyed the kinky sex, and being submissive, it wasn’t enough. It was never going to last. He was sure they’d spent six months slowly realising they had absolutely nothing in common, and James decided to take a hint and leave. Only, he didn’t get to pick his time, because by the time he’d worked out he was going, his master had come and broken up with him, and James wasn’t going to hang around to pack, not when he’d brought home some other pathetic cute boy to fuck around with. James knew he wasn’t wanted, took the few precious things he’d had with him that day, packed them in his backpack, and left.  
  
He was glad he’d always had the foresight to keep his precious things, like his laptop and his iPod, in luggage lockers as close to where he was staying as possible, because he didn’t trust that they wouldn’t be stolen. It also made it easier to walk out, because all he needed was a backpack. Anything else they bought for him that he didn’t need stayed behind. Whatever. He didn’t care. London was big enough that he could move around with nothing but a backpack and rent out lockers whenever he needed them and it didn’t matter that he was technically homeless. Not having a fixed address made it super easy to go where he needed to go, and the few possessions he had that he really cared about were all he really needed. He could bribe the rest out of his marks.  
  
But then, as much as he was loath to admit it, he had become the Trojan Horse of grifters that Ed told him he was. He’d got very good at starting relationships with men who would give him a place to stay, and he’d pay just enough to not make them see him as a burden while coaxing them into buying him anything he wanted. If he played his cards right, he’d walk away with a profit.  
  
He hadn’t made a profit out of his mark this time, not really though. A few hundred quid extra was acceptable, but it had been in bits and pieces, squirrelled away in safe boxes where no one could touch it. Right now, he had £75 on him in cash, and perhaps that was a little less than he’d have liked, but it would be enough for at least one night at a club to see if he could pick up someone else so he didn’t have to retreat to one of the safehouses tonight to bunker down and cut his losses.  
  
At least he’d lived close to a busy train station, so it wasn’t long before he was stowing his things in a locker at Liverpool St before he headed off into town to see who he might meet tonight. He was feeling good for once. It’s not like that previous relationship was worth much to him, nor was he that fond of him. He was good at flogging, and James had grown to enjoy flogging. He didn’t think it was his thing at all, but the pain and the feeling of being punished, and the relief he felt afterwards were somewhat addictive and he would definitely miss that. But that was easy enough to find if he went to a leather club. Plenty of Doms there looking for a willing submissive to beat. Perhaps that’s where he’d go tonight and see if anyone would be willing to take the bait.  
  


* * *

  
James felt – better when he woke. He still felt a little raw and emotional, but at least he was calm. The weight of the blanket was comforting and he needed that. The big sleep had helped too, and now he didn’t feel quite so tired after being out all night. His sleeping patterns would be a mess all week as he readjusted, but he’d deal with it like he always did. It took him a while to realise Alex was still lying beside him, sleeping, their hands gently holding onto each other. Alex had stayed there the entire time. He hadn’t just left him. James found that surprising. He thought he and Greg would have just left him to sleep, but no. Alex was still here.  
  
James lay there a while longer until he felt like he’d woken up properly. This was also when he noticed how hungry he was. The last thing he remembered eating were some jelly snakes, and who knows how long ago that was. Gently, to avoid waking Alex, he slowly emerged from under the blanket, and found Greg sitting there, reading. He squinted against the light.  
  
“Greg?”  
  
Greg looked over at him and smiled, putting his book down. “Hey, you feeling any better? You’ve been asleep for-“ he checked his watch, “about eight hours, give or take.”  
  
“Eight hours? So what time is it now?” James asked.  
  
“Dinner time. I bet you’re hungry, yeah? Is Alex still asleep under there, then?” Greg said.  
  
“I think so.” James yawned. “I- thank you, sir, for dealing with me today. I’ve not been at my best. You shouldn’t have to see me like that.”  
  
“Shouldn’t have to, but did, but it’s not your fault. Do you feel better for getting all of that off your chest? I don’t expect you to be over him already, clearly there’s a lot of issues we’ll need to work through, but I hope you feel better now it’s not just your secret anymore,” Greg said.  
  
James sat up and rubbed his eyes, shifted a little closer to Greg so he didn’t disturb Alex, and tried to figure out where his head was at. “I mean, I’m still going to be sad about it for a while, but you’re right, I do feel better now that it’s not my secret anymore. I’m sorry it took so long to tell you about him, but I- you can understand why, can’t you?”  
  
“Yeah, I do, it’s alright, it clearly messed you up a lot. I’m not going to hold that against you,” Greg said. “Are you going to see him again, do you think?”  
  
James let out a sigh. “I don’t know. Maybe. I might email him if I can think of something to say, but I don’t know if I want to see him again. I’m not sure what it would actually achieve at this point, you know? I think I’d just end up being angry at him, just so he’d know the hell he put me through, and then I could walk away. But I’m happy here with you and Alex. I don’t want to bring him back into my life again. I’m afraid of going off the rails with him if he finds a way to coax me back. I don’t want to live that life anymore. I want something better, because I know something better exists now. I didn’t know that before. But I know what’s good now, and I want you. And I want Alex. I want to stay here. This is my home now. I’m a good boy. I’ve always been a good boy. I don’t – like doing bad things. And I’ve done enough bad things. I don’t want to do that anymore. I just want to stay here with you, that’s all.”  
  
Greg brought him into a hug, and James hugged him back, feeling safe and loved. “Do you need a few days to take it easy, or do you need me to give you a strict schedule to get your brain sorted again?”  
  
“Strict schedule, please. I-I like rules. I need rules. Everything makes sense when I have rules. That helps me readjust. If you leave me alone, I’ll just think about him, and I don’t want to do that. I need to be busy. I need to get back to work. I like being in service, I like being able to make you happy. I need those routines again to feel normal again,” James said.  
  
“Alright, strict schedule it is then. How strict do you want it? Total control? Or just your regular schedule?” Greg said.  
  
“Total control, at least for a couple of days. I-it helps get my brain back into gear again when you control everything I do. Then we can go back to normal,” James said. “Thank you for asking, sir. I never realised how good a master could be until I met you. You saved me. You showed me what I was really looking for. I got through this because of you, and I’ll never forget that, never.”  
  
Greg pressed a kiss to his head. “And all because I found a lost little boy one night and took him home. Every day, I’m glad you’re here.”  
  
James snuggled up close to him. “Me too, sir, me too.”  
  


* * *

  
Three years earlier…  
It had not been a great night, if James was being honest. No one was willing to take the bait, though at least he’d volunteered for a public whipping, and that sated his appetite for pain for a while at least. There’d been a few men there he thought might make good marks, but he might need to come back and try again. It was a quiet night, too. He was sure it would be easier on the weekend.  
  
He thought he’d give it one last chance, though, and slipped out of the club at about 10pm. If he couldn’t get a mark in the club, he might pick one up on their way out, and the best way to do that was to sit nearby with his bag in hand, looking like he had nowhere to go, eyeing every punter to see if anyone would bite.  
  
He’d been out here for two hours now, and he was cold and desperate to get to bed. He hated nights like these, where he felt like everyone was just rejecting him, and he prayed for someone, anyone, to take notice of him. Even a bed for one night would be enough. He could take that. Then he’d move on and go somewhere else to see who he could find. He was really beginning to get hungry now, too, but he didn’t dare leave his spot in case he missed the perfect mark. But, God, he was getting tired and cold and sleepy, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay out here.  
  
Perhaps he should go, find a safehouse, try his luck again tomorrow. He thought he had just enough for a cab to the nearest safehouse, but he might have to walk it if he couldn’t afford it. At least he could sleep there and he’d be alright for a while. He got out his phone and started looking at locations and routes, to see where he would need to get a cab to, and then, a shadow fell over him and he looked up to find a very tall man standing over him.  
  
“You got somewhere to go?” the man asked.  
  
James shook his head. “No, sir, got kicked out, sir. Got nowhere to go. But I’ll be alright. I’m always fine. Just texting a mate, that’s all.”  
  
The man knelt down and stared at him, and James withered. He was a Dom, alright, older, perhaps, than the men he was used to being with, but he seemed to be searching James’ eyes for something. James didn’t know what to say, but something about this man made him feel safe. It had been a long time since he’d felt safe.  
  
“You’re that boy who got whipped, weren’t you? Did you enjoy that? Are you alright after that? He did hit you quite hard. You had some lovely dark marks all over your back,” the man said.  
  
The reminder made James realise how stiff his body had become, not just from sitting here for two hours, but also from the whipping. His back ached, and sure, he was used to the pain, but he still hurt. The cold really wasn’t helping.  
  
“Were they good marks? Did I bruise? I-I like it when there are bruises,” James said.  
  
“Looked like bruises to me. You did get some aftercare for that, didn’t you?” the man said.  
  
James nodded. “I still hurt, but he took care of me. He was nice. Why do you care anyway?”  
  
“I’ve been watching you all night. You’ve been out here too long. Is anyone going to rub you down when you get home? Because after that whipping, you are going to need it, my friend,” the man said.  
  
James pretended he knew what that meant. He knew enough about kink to blag his way through a scene, but there was a lot he didn’t know, and aftercare was one of those things. “Yeah, sure, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.”  
  
“What’s your name, kid? I’m Greg. Do you need a bed for the night? Because I’ve got one spare, and you look like you need to be in bed right now, am I right?” the man said.  
  
James was a little stunned. He didn’t think Greg would take the bait, but he had. But there was something in his eyes that told James he wasn’t going to take any nonsense from him. He might be an impossible mark, which made James want to cry, because it wouldn’t solve his problems, but he didn’t want to turn down a spare bed. Maybe he could make him go away, pretend like he was fine, he could go to the safehouse, he didn’t need this because he’d get nothing out of it. He could feel himself beginning to panic, and he never panicked when he was doing this, but he was now, afraid of what this man might do to him if he went home with him. Somehow, his gaze pierced straight through him and James felt naked and vulnerable, as if there was now nowhere to hide.  
  
“J-James, I’m James,” he’d said his real name before he’d had a chance to stop himself, “and I do need a bed, but-but I have options, I-I wouldn’t want to impose, I’ll just – I can get a cab – it’s fine – I don’t need to-“  
  
Greg pressed a finger across his lips to silence him. “Get up, you’re coming home with me. That’s an order.”  
  
“A-an order, sir?” James said, feeling Greg asserting his dominance as he stood up.  
  
“I’m not repeating myself, James,” Greg said.  
  
James swallowed, and stood up quickly, unwilling to disobey him. Greg clearly wasn’t going to accept any bullshit from him. He might suddenly be in over his head, but the very idea of bowing to this man thrilled him as much as it scared him, and he picked up his bag, eager to get going as Greg led him to his car and took him home.  
  


* * *

  
James lay in his bed later on, gazing at the photo, now freed from its frame. He’d found it on his nightstand, and guessed Alex had cleaned it up for him at some point, but hadn’t thrown out the photo. It had got a little creased, and a corner had torn off, but James could still look at it and smile, and for the first time since Ed had left him, he didn’t feel hurt looking at it. He just felt grateful. Maybe he’d never have found his way here to Greg if he’d still been with Ed. Perhaps Ed breaking up with him was the best thing he’d ever done for him.  
  
He read the message on the back again, and that email address kept jumping out at him. Maybe he did owe him at least one message, even if it was just to tell him he was alright, and not to worry about him. Maybe he owed him that much, at least.  
  
He sat up, grabbed his laptop, and opened a new email. He sat, silent, for a moment, before he knew exactly what he wanted to say.  
  
-  
  
To: daddybear@nightj.ar  
From: James  
Subject: I sure hope this email still works!  
  
Hey Ed,  
  
Sorry it took so long to get in touch, I only just found your message. And I wasn’t sure if I was even going to email you at all. I didn’t know what to say. What would be the point dragging all that stuff back again, you know?  
  
I’m sorry I ran off like that, but I spent six years waiting for you, not knowing if you ever really loved me. I wasn’t ready to see you again. I still don’t think I’m ready to see you again. But I wanted you to know I’m safe. I’ve got a new master now. I’ve been with him for three years, and I’m very happy with him. I didn’t know I would ever find anyone who made me as happy as you did, but my new master does. I just wanted you to know that.  
  
Don’t come looking for me, please. I couldn’t handle that. Just know I’m happy and safe and loved. I hope you’re happy too.  
  
James,  
your baby boy.  
  
-  
  
He finished typing, hit send, and when it didn’t bounce, he felt like he’d done all he could do, and put his laptop away. He glanced at his watch. It was nearly time for him to be in bed. He closed his eyes for a moment, accepted the strict schedule Greg was going to put him under for the next few days, and said a little prayer, thanking God, if he existed, for bringing Greg into his life. It might have cost him Ed, and he would still be sad about that, but he was in a better place now, and he couldn’t hate Ed for that. Maybe one day he’d see him again, but for now, he could begin to let him go.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [House of Memories](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19079854) by [Sashataakheru](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru)




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